I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
