Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
