my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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