A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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