I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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