my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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