If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
