Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
