She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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