tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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