I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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