I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize