The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
