this beer tastes like vomit already
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
