someone threw a dead crab at me
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
