How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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