her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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