She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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