The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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