i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
