how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
