Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
