Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
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Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
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My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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