This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
