Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
