I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I pour the whiskey from now on
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
