why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
