last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
