you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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