Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
