I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
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As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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