Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
