im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
