Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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