Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
