Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
