also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
