Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
