I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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