I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
