i barfeds in our rink
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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