I wish I could punch you in the face.
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
