I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
