What did we do last night that was yellow?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
