Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
