Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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