If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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