So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
