A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
