Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
