I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
