Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
