I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
