My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
