i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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