What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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