Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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