my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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