party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
worst night to have a conscience
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
