____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
