Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
