I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
