I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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