I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
