Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
